Hollow Dawn Recipes: Herman Bathor's Pixieberry Pie
This recipe was originally developed by Herman Bathor in the year 160 SP, and has been passed down through generations of the Bathor family. It provides the perfect dessert to sustain the family AND CELEBRATE THE DESTRUCTION OF A FILTHY ELDANI TRAITOR WHO SCREWED YOU OVER! Dictated by Maximus, scribed verbatim by Lord Dominic Bathor. INGREDIENTS
2-1/2 cups flour
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup cold butter, cubes
6 to 8 tbsp ice water
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup cornstarch
1/3 cup water
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon, optional
1 cup fresh blueberries
1 cup fresh raspberries
1 cup halved fresh strawberries
3/4 cup fresh blackberries
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 1/2 cups Eldani blood, fresh (or one packet of Pop Rocks)
2 tbsp butter
To begin, first HUNT DOWN AND CAPTURE THE THRICE-DAMNED PIXIE-BLOODED SCHEMER! Make sure not to kill the target, oh no, THEIR SUFFERING IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING! Next, restrain the Eldani and gag them UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR THEIR DELICIOUS SCREAMS.
Begin to cut the Eldani, inflicting as much pain as possible, as this will give the blood an extra kick of flavor. Throughout the process, REMIND THE DUNG HEAP OF A PERSON HOW THEY HAVE HARMED THE FAMILY, AND THAT WE WILL PROTECT OUR OWN AT ALL COSTS.
Once you have inflicted an appropriate amount of pain, drain the Eldani’s blood into a cup. Be sure to provide healing to the target, lest they discorporate and ruin the surprise. Freeze the blood overnight.
In a large bowl, mix flour and salt; cut in butter until crumbly. Gradually add ice water, tossing with a fork until dough holds together when pressed.
Divide the dough into two portions so that one is slightly larger than the other. Shape each into a disk; wrap in whatever material you find handy, PERHAPS THE ELDANI’S SKIN IF YOU CAN FLAY ENOUGH FROM THEM. Keep cold for 1 hour or overnight.
The next day, drain an additional ½ cup of blood from the Eldani. Make sure to choose a different location for the blood, as repeated injury to the same location may result in diminished sensation AND WE WANT THEM TO FEEL EVERY LAST MOMENT OF THIS, BY THE LICH’S CREAKY BONES!
In a large saucepan, whisk the sugar, cornstarch, salt, fresh blood, water and, if desired, cinnamon until smooth; add blueberries. Bring to a boil; cook and stir 2 minutes or until thickened. Cool slightly.
Preheat oven to 400°. Gently fold the raspberries, strawberries, blackberries and lemon juice into the blueberry mixture. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the larger portion of dough to a 1/8-in.-thick circle; transfer to a 9-in. pie plate. Trim the pastry to 1/2 in. beyond rim of plate. Add filling; dot with butter.
Roll the remaining dough to a 1/8-in.-thick circle; cut into 1/2-in.-wide strips. Arrange over filling in a lattice pattern. Trim and seal strips to edge of bottom pastry; flute edge. Bake 10 minutes.
Reduce oven setting to 350°; bake 45-50 minutes or until crust is golden brown and filling is bubbly. Cool on a wire rack.
Before serving, crush the frozen blood into tiny, pebble-sized pieces (or use Pop Rocks). Sprinkle the crushed blood chunks over the pie to add a nice zing to the confection.
For best results, serve piping hot to a ROOM FULL OF THE WORTHLESS RENEGADE’S LOVED ONES. Wait until each slice has been fully consumed before telling them EXACTLY WHO THEY ATE AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THEM IF THEY SHOULD TRY ANYTHING TO HARM BATHOR. AT ALL COSTS!
When the meal is complete, have Maximus dispose of the Eldani in whatever way it sees fit.
-You do you Herman, go be your bad self